THINGS I'M AFRAID TO TELL YOU

So, if you haven't seen, there is this movement THINGS I'M AFRAID TO TELL YOU about sharing beyond the pretty pretty pictures we share day to day.  It is a wonderful idea started by Jess Constable  and embraced by Ez of Creature Comforts. About letting everyone in on our big secrets so we can share inspiration without trying to compare ourselves to others. So, I thought I would share something I have been thinking for a while now. I need to regroup. Kind of one of those breaks that may or may not end this blog. To be perfectly honest I don't know what the future holds. At this point I am just doing DIYs. I simply cannot keep doing what I am doing. I keep trying to find balance and make it work and it isn't.

As of yesterday, I sent this to my advertisers: 'I know it sounds crazy, but with two little boys, I just can't get it all done while still blogging full time. I will be going on vacation starting June 1...Essentially, and it is hard to admit this, but I have lost my work-life balance and direction. I need to reassess and plan and determine where I want to take the blog from here and I simply cannot do it while still blogging full-time. I wish I could, and I have tried for the past few months to do it all. So, a little vacation is in order. Thank you in advance for your understanding.'

I didn't want to say this to you guys because it makes me feel like a failure. I wanted to just duck out and stop posting and hope no one noticed. This is the kind of post you look at later and want to delete. So read it now, because I don't put it past myself not to remove it later on. I feel like all of my blogging co-horts have something figured out that I don't and I am just a sissy for stopping right now. I've got this sick feeling in my stomach from what all the bloggers, especially the ones I really love, will think that  I just can't cut it, she's not made for this. To which I say, no, that isn't it at all. I wish I didn't care what you would think, and it's not like it will stop me or influence my decision, but I still care.

It makes me feel like I am quiting but at the same time I'm not. I guess I don't feel that way because I am still making content. I am still blogging, but just the stuff I love, I just don't need to worry about four things at once. I can make stuff and I can photograph it to show you how to do it, too. I see great potential in freeing up time in my schedule. I can finally have time to learn new stuff. Want a crazy random clue into my life? Since I started blogging I haven't read a single book that was just for fun and not learning. There is something wrong with that picture.

I have to admit I always read the stories of how the fabulous blogger is faced with the BIG decision about her blog to go full hog or go home. They always end up going full throttle and becoming huge successes usually involved with a great relaunch, a new website and a fabulous party. Stop it Jen, you are comparing again. Sorry. I guess I am going home, at least for a few months. It sounds so final and depressing, right? Like a failure, but it isn't. It is simply change. What is the quote that says if you keep doing what you are doing you will keep getting what you always get? Why doesn't anyone write about this decision? I have been mulling over it for months. I chose this option because I haven't figured out my rhythm. Who says we have to do it all? Who is this person saying you have to blog and have an Etsy shop and be on Pinterest and this is how you are a succesful blogger. This person isn't real she is just a little voice in our heads. I can be part of this amazing community and not have a blog of my own. Besides, isn't this a bit of redundant? Hey, check out my DIY over here and then shooting you somewhere else. I'm essentially a content provider and after a long deliberation with the voice in my head I've decided that's OK. I'm not saying I am 100% sure, I am just saying you don't have to drink the koolaid and can do whatever you like. I don't think I want to do it all and I need to find out what works for me.

After a bit of soul searching I have had an epiphany and it really says it all for my whole life. Every struggle, every crazed moment, every second of mommy meltdown is based on one factor. I am not a multi-tasker. Not in the slightest. I simply cannot focus on more than one task at hand. I wish I could, but I CAN'T. I know you aren't ever supposed to admit that kind of thing or say "I can't" out loud, but I am doing it. I forget things when I am not in the present moment. I forget things off of lists I am carrying while shopping Target for dinner, while telling the boys not to climb in and out of the cart, while making an imaginary list for such and such...No. All of these beautiful technological breakthroughs make it all too easy to keep going like we are going. So that is what I have been doing, struggling to keep going, all the while going faster and faster. I keep telling myself that if I can just get this done and that post up, I will have free time and I can finally sort out a plan. Well, it never does. Months have passed. The perfect moment does not appear when you finally scratch that task off your to do list. What the hell am I saying, the list never ends, there is something always popping up. I don't have a plan for the future because I am too busy keeping it going. I chose to make my moment. Now. Not later. Whatever I am doing right now is NOT working. So I aim to fix it.

I am still doing DIYs because I love them. It hurts my heart to think about not doing them. I have wondered about them, too. Like should I have stopped doing them for other people and just make my own blog crazy DIY town?  I don't know, maybe down the line. I make pretty party decorations and show you how to do it. I'm pretty darn good at it, too. Somehow I fell into this, and I love it, but I know it is not the end for me...I don't know what that is yet, but I have that aching in my heart that I am going the right way. That I am somehow on my path I was always meant to be on.

When you tell someone that you create tutorials for party crafts they give you THAT look. Like it isn't really a job, just "pictures of crap on a table." Well, yeah, if you think of it like that, I guess it is. Just a stay at home mommy. Just a girl. Just a blogger. I just hate that word, don't you? It is so final and diminishing. Don't ever apologize for what you do if you love it. I am looking at you. Who gives a rip what they think? How about just kiss my keister and go be unhappy somewhere else.

So, I don't want this to sound like a pity party. When I start to explain stuff like this to people I get the "oh, hope it works out..." kind of thing. No. I don't want your pity. I'm not trying to sound depressing but hell, maybe it is. That's why I write about pretty stuff. That's why I have never shared about my life. So, yes, I guess I am overwhelmed. Ha, a mommy meltdown. Quite possibly. There. I admit it. I don't know how everyone does it so I choose to stop what isn't working and try again.

I am lucky enough that I get do this for joy, and something I am doing is not bringing me joy so I choose to just do the fun stuff. Is that really wrong? I'm not sad about it, is that crazy? Can you imagine? I am really excited about it. I am really happy about taking some of my time back, just in time for summer.  So as of June 1st, I will be on an extended vacation. I will continue with our regularly scheduled programming until then.  After June 1st, you will find me around the web at my various haunts, and new ones too.  Eventually I will get the blog updated to be more of a portfolio link fest, but I can't say when it will be done.

I hope that this at least makes someone feel better about feeling crazy sometimes. I'm crazy all the time so, hey, I get you.

Hi, my name is Jenny and I make DIYs.